Haunting the junkyards

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 19:16:21 GMT

I'M USING MY OLD LIVEJOURNAL AGAIN. I'M NO LONGER USING THIS ONE. new link = http://______girrl.livejournal.com/

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 18:41:19 GMT

I've been extreamly busy lately , but I'll update you all on what's been going on as soon as I can. <3

I hope everyone's ok!

Thu, 31 Aug 2006 06:53:38 GMT

Seeing your name pop up on the small screen on my vibrating cell phone late at night in my tiny little hands makes me almost want to pretend you never ever left me. It's almost as if my hand never left yours that night , and it almost makes me wish I was still laying in your bed even if you were telling me how much you cared for another person. You scent alone was enough for me at that point.

Lost love is still love. It takes a different form , that's all. You can't bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partener. You nurture it. You hold it close. You dance with it. - Mitch Albom.

^ that's pulling me through all of this.

Mon, 28 Aug 2006 09:15:55 GMT

i'm more than embarassed to have used such beautiful words on you. you're nothing more than a grain of dirt left on the bottom of my shoe. i sit up night after night after night and i finally opened my eyes. you're not worth it. i'm not done with you just yet though. don't think i can poof magically into thin air like you and be gone on demand. you've cleary proved to everyone in town , including me that you're better. you're so much better. in fact , tossing me was the best thing you could have done considering i don't have that magical poof trick making me 4% less of a person than you. guess you win. i promised you no matter what you did you were stuck with me , even after you threw me into you're little garbage bag of girls. i'm the only one who's insane enough to slip out of the tiny hole in the bottom and haunt you each night. i'm not going anywhere. pinky swear.

Sun, 20 Aug 2006 06:56:04 GMT

CHEA nukka krew: Your naturally attracted to people you feel like you can fix.

CHEA nukka krew: Your naturally attracted to people you feel like you can fix.

CHEA nukka krew: Your naturally attracted to people you feel like you can fix.

CHEA nukka krew: Your naturally attracted to people you feel like you can fix.

CHEA nukka krew: Your naturally attracted to people you feel like you can fix.

CHEA nukka krew: Your naturally attracted to people you feel like you can fix.

CHEA nukka krew: Your naturally attracted to people you feel like you can fix.

CHEA nukka krew: Your naturally attracted to people you feel like you can fix.

CHEA nukka krew: Your naturally attracted to people you feel like you can fix.

CHEA nukka krew: Your naturally attracted to people you feel like you can fix.

CHEA nukka krew: Your naturally attracted to people you feel like you can fix.

CHEA nukka krew: Your naturally attracted to people you feel like you can fix.

CHEA nukka krew: Your naturally attracted to people you feel like you can fix.

CHEA nukka krew: Your naturally attracted to people you feel like you can fix.

CHEA nukka krew: Your naturally attracted to people you feel like you can fix.

CHEA nukka krew: Your naturally attracted to people you feel like you can fix.

goodbye world , i'm shutting you all out for another month or so. once again i'm dealing with a new level of tossing.

Sat, 19 Aug 2006 17:41:11 GMT

Sat, 19 Aug 2006 03:18:43 GMT

It really depresses me how so many people read this, and don't comment. Maybe that's good , and maybe people only have negative things to say about my writing , but i'd still like some feedback. Everyone's always talking. Talking , talking , talking. "Jackie , I look at your livejournal a lot." That's terrific , and I'm glad you read what I have to say. I like my voice to be heard, but please don't read and leave without a small comment. I like to hear from people every once in a while. I really really need that. A sign of self conciousness? Maybe. Either way , if you're going to take the time to read this , let me know what you think. I love that. A lot.

Right now I have decided to take tonight as a night for myself. I have a large coffee in my hand , I made for a change , and a face mask on sitting on my favorite pillow. I have a candle lit , and bright eyes playing as my soundtrack , and I've never felt better. I need to do this every once in a while. I suggest it to anyone who needs a simple cheering up , or even a mind exfoliation. It really , really helps. I like to do this whenever I'm very happy , or very very sad. Usually the sad has a slightly different setting , like a bathroom floor fully equipped with a tissue box and of course an extra loud depressing music like lovedrug. But this one is sorta just a way of rewarding myself. I've put up with a lot this year so far, and right now I couldn't be happier.

I hope everyone is as happy as I am. That would make me even happier. Things are going my way at the moment , maybe this time it will last. My predictions of this new relationship I'm in are soon to be proven right or wrong but I have decided to live in the present , and not the future like usual.

If we haven't talked in a while and you know I love you , IM me @ CCCCORPSE. I'd like that.

-Jackie.

Lake.

Thu, 17 Aug 2006 03:15:35 GMT

Escorting myself to the lake I swallowed my fear and took a seat. I couldn't make out why I was crying. Was it because I was about to throw up the gallon of coffee I had dranken or the small fact that my world had just come crashing down on my small shoulders? I couldn't decide. Gasping for air I grabbed my cell phone and dialed 911 and slowly pressed end. "What the fuck are you doing"? I asked myself 6 times faster than I could pronounce it. The group of people playing football behind me glared at me. I pretended they weren't there. I pretended I wasn't alive , and when I realized the person I cared about most was pretending the same thing I started to cry harder. My tears slid down my face. Each one a little saltier , and covered in makeup. I felt someone behind me , but I wouldn't dare turn around. Slowly , I located my body in the direction in which I felt this person breathing on my neck. There he was. The same person who had me in this postion stood behind me. He , too was breathing heavily. "Come on , were taking a walk". Refusing , I swallowed hard and turned around. What was I doing? Refusing to take a walk , or refusing to ever forgive him. I could almost feel his body heat reach 100 degrees , until I felt a sharp pull on my left wrist. "Baby , come on" he pleaded. "Do not fucking touch me" I screamed angrily. I didn't care that the kids playing football now in front of me were staring at me. I didn't care if everyone thought I was mental. I didn't really care. One hundred million questions ran through my mind. I couldn't answer one without jumping to a new one. Five minutes later which felt like hours we reached a sidewalk. I sat down and turned away. I was so angry. Angry at the world. I hated almost everyone. I pulled out a cigarette from my bag and lit it with such attitude. "Give me a hug Jackie. Give me a hug. Give me a hug." I wouldn't dare touch him. I couldn't. Every time our bodies met I forgave him. I wasn't this time. I couldn't. I wasn't about to fall into a trap again.

I lied. Minutes later my head was buried in his chest. Crying. Sobbing. I wrapped my arms around him until my rib cage was nearly cracking in half. I did not care. I didn't care about anything , quite frankly. I looked up ever so often to check on him. He , too was looking down angry at the world.
I wondered why God had put me here , in this spot. There had to be a reason, I'd find it out soon enough. At this exact moment I realized I had been wrong the whole time. I was never really alone. The same person who had sent me away to this bench to be by myself , was the person who was with me all along. When you love someone and someone loves you back , you're never really alone.

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 02:04:05 GMT

Sitting behind my mega pixel screen my eyes began to water. What was I so afraid of? Loss was never something I took lightly, and it was beginning to give me the shakes. I felt a sense of discomfort after each and every blue and black line I read to myself. Each word pushing me farther and farther backward until I could no longer move. My breaths grew heavier as I read each line. The person I am so in love with is yet the person who can choose to both pull my life into pieces and watch me lay on the floor kicking and screaming for him to take me back, or the person who can change my life positively and watch me grow to love him more each day. I wanted nothing but to be able to say I love you, and for him to do something other than nod and respond with the same. I wanted to prove it. Searching my brain franticly for ways to prove my love, I started to cry even harder. Salt water dripped down my cheeks. Each one burning my flesh. If I couldn't prove myself to the one person who made me want to crawl up next to and never ever move how was I ever going to make it at all? I am a lost cause, I am a lost cause, I am a lost cause , I repeated to myself over and over. I couldn't wait for him to return home that evening. This was my chance. My one and only chance. I was infatuated. Head over heals. There was nothing else to it. I had never felt this way in my life. Except this time , I was just a little more shaken up. I could lose him at any given point and the world will still turn. I will still be the same person I was on October 9th 1991 but have a little more of my heart missing. A big black hole. The type of hole the entire world fears. That one specific hole that needs that one person to fill it, and the thought of that big black hole made me want to be struck by lightening. I don't want to turn into one of those people you see on TV, the ones who are lost and afraid and on some talk show sobbing about their insecurities. But who was I kidding? I had no choice. I was in way to deep and it was bound to happen. I had to prove my love for him. It was the only thing I had left to hold on to. I warned him. I told him from the start I'd be in love. I told him if he didn't want to feel guilty for ending it with me then to please back away and leave me to be , but he insisted. He told me he cared for me, and although he had already figured me out he STILL refused to back away. At that moment I felt something push me toward him. That feeling the ocean gives you when an enormous wave crashes onto you and you're pushed head first onto the ocean floor, or the feeling you get when you put a magnet up against your refrigerator. I had to be with him, and maybe just maybe he felt the same. We were drawn to each other from the start, and now I just had to make sure that tide crashing, magnet drawing feeling never left his body, because it was not leaving mine. Not ever, and that is what scared me most. Did he still feel the same as I did?

Sat, 12 Aug 2006 06:08:17 GMT

I wear a large plastic off white bangle around my arm daily. I barely ever take it off. I don't like to. It makes me feel pretty. except when I sleep. I take this particular bracelet off when I go to sleep , because it gets in the way when I decide to flip over and lay on my stomach. It jabs into my ribs and I can almost feel the bracelet hitting my intestine. I hate how it makes me feel when i go to sleep. I absoutly hate it.

On this particular night i layed in my bed, thinking. Thinking about something big. Someone big. Someone who is going to change my world and how I view it. Someone who has me in a trap. Someone who has the choice of wheather to make me view my world , this world in a positive way. Someone who also has the choice of ruining my life and making me wish I hadn't been born. I learned several months ago to keep your head straight and already this person has the ability to make me forget something so important. On this night , this particular night thinking about him has caused me to forget to take my bracelet off. I never ever forget. It is the one thing I do every single night. I never ever ever forget. My heart has grown so much larger in the past 2 days that I did not even feel my bracelet hitting my ribs. It was as if he has protected me from all pain , and has made me feel permanently pretty. Taking my bracelet off is not something I have to do every night anymore. Instead my mind is on him.

This might be the most confusing entry ever. I apologize. It was sort of a thunder storm going on in my mind and before it let up I had to write about it briefly.

Sat, 05 Aug 2006 21:23:17 GMT

"Do you have small pieces of paper with your writing all over your room? Keep them. They will be worth money some day. You're very blunt in your writing. Do not write about loved ones." - Lbi Physic.

I'm back from lbi. I got my palm read while I was there. I sat down expecting to hear a bunch of bullshit that was 5 percent accurate. I was very, very wrong. The moment the lady stated that I think differently than others I knew this was by no means a comparison to bullshit. I always think other people are in fact thinking weirdly , but it is now clear that it's actually me who is thinking differently. You'll ask me a question and I'll say white while the other twenty people will say black. You can say I'm blessed , but you can also say I'm cursed to have the mind set that I do. It's ok though. That's life.

I think I grow emotionally every day. I take a beating from plenty of people. You ask me if I deserve it , and I'll tell you straight out that 50 percent of the time I do. The other 50 percent of the time I don't. In general , I'm a pretty nice person. By no means am I some role model. That I am not, but I will tell you that is not something I want to be, anyways. I don't want to live by the rules. I don't want to be nice all day everyday. I'll give you respect if you give me it back. Don't ask me to be this sweet person while you sit and treat me as if I'm dirt.

The whole translucent thing I mentioned in my previous livejournal (______girrl) is becoming more of an issue everyday. I hate it. I really fucking do. More than anything in the whole world. I'm here, I'm human, and I deserve to be considered and treated as one. Don't play mind games with me and blind fold yourself to your karma you will be recieving. Real soon. I will bet money on that. A whole whole lot of money.

As far as my life is going right now , I'm living by the quote that states "Make them wonder why you're still smiling". Not much is going my way. I love making people question the huge smile on my face. "Isn't that that girl on livejournal who is constantly complaining?" It's perfectly alright though. I have what I need, I'm getting by. Pretty soon , I'll be in highschool. I can't wait. I really , really can't.

I hope everyone I left here on livejournal for the month or so I was away is doing just as good as I am. I'm still here for all of you, yup even you anoynmous. Ask me what you would like. I miss everyones imput on my entries. It keeps me going. I'm happy to be back. I need this thing to keep me sane.

I'm off to barnes and nobles for a venti americano and a big stack of magazines. Ya, back to ventis. For a while I pried myself away from caffeine and began drinking small coffees half decaf but I miss that messy all over the place feeling coffee gives me. My mind wanders , and I feel a little better for the hour or so I'm loaded on caffeine. hahah. I'll have a new entry real soon.

God bless.

Sat, 29 Jul 2006 06:18:17 GMT

I'm back.
This time I'm ready for everyone's critism.
I'm glad to be back, I really really am.

Someone tell me how to get these ugly advertisements off my livejournal. Ew.